Lead me not into temptation

Last night I hung out with one of my favourite women at her house. 

Another friend of hers had come over and bought a gingerbread house with her to share. There was also a block of chocolate on the table. 

I had my water, a diet soft drink, carrot sticks and cherries. 

And I wasn't even tempted to try to devise some excuse to justify just a taste of the gingerbread or chocolate. 

Had it been chips, I'm not so sure. Missing the dry crunch factor.

Day 4 sucked

Yesterday was day 4 and it sucked so much I'm posting on day 5. 

I woke up feeling hungover and headachy. My back ached and the kids noise was making me stabby. 

I dragged my arse to a shower hoping that might help. It didn't. So I made a shake, filled my water bottle, crawled back to bed and put the electric blanket on. 

Getting the shake down was a massive struggle. The same shake that tasted fine the last few days, suddenly tasted foul. I gagged and spluttered. I wanted to not drink it. But knew that part of the crap feeling was probably needing something other than water in my belly. 

I ended up sleeping for a few hours and woke up feeling much better. 

I decided to experiment with my second shake of the day and blended a vanilla one with ice and half a frozen banana. It was awesome. Think there will be more blended shakes in the future. 

Today was also my 9th wedding anniversary. Usually that means a nice dinner out then a movie, theatre, etc. obviously this year there was no fancy dinner. But we did go to see Shakespeare in the botanic gardens which was awesome. Suspect it will become a regular anniversary thing as we went last year too. 

I packed myself a small lunchbox with cherries, strawberries and grapes. We had carrot sticks too. I did break the rules slightly by having a few ryvitas with cheese, ham and tomato. But compared to the chips and chocolate we would normally have, I think it was fine. And the crunch of that ryvita. Oh my, it was the best thing ever. 

Have woken on day 5, after a late sleep in (thanks grandma and aunty for having the kids overnight) feeling good. 

Feel like I've hibernated enough and am ready to get out and about a bit. 

Weight loss to date - 3.9kg. 

Cauliflower pizza base.

Tonight I attempted to make cauliflower pizza bases to add some interest to my 2 serve of veggies a day allowance. 

Googled for recipes and took a bit from her and a bit from there. Used my Bellini but and food processor would work. 

This is what I did;

1. Half a cauliflower into Bellini and pulse a few times. 

*oh yeah, pre-heat your oven to 200-220 Celsius.* 

2. Move to bowl, cover with plastic wrap (no water needed) and microwave for 7 min. 

(Google said 6-8 minutes, I decided to split the difference. Once done I put it in the freezer for 5 minutes to cool. 

*next time, after cooking I will squeeze water out with a cloth. Was a bit wet and more googling suggested squeezing out excess water* 

3. In Bellini mixed 2 eggs, 60g mozzarella cheese (30g = 100calories in the one I had which is my daily dairy calorie allowance right now), teaspoon'ish of crushed garlic, oregano, mixed Italian herbs and salt. (I really suck at measuring. I like garlic do there was a lot) 

4. Pour egg mix into cooled cauliflower and stir. It's a pretty wet mixture. 

5. On a baking tray, or pizza stone put baking paper, (Apparently this is really important). Then split mixture in half (for my purposes, next time I'd split into 3) and use hands to flatten out. 

6. Cook in oven for 15-20 min. It browns up really quickly. 

7. Remove from oven and top with tasty stuff. I used crushed tomato, more garlic and sliced mushroom, but anything would work I imagine. I did add a sprinkling more cheese, which will equal out if I make it again in 3 lots. 

8. Pop back in the oven until cheese melts. If you have grill or grill function, use that. The base is cooked you're really just melting your cheese. 

Ok, so it's not real pizza. Not even really like real pizza. But when you can only have shakes x4 and 2 cups of approved veggies a day it's super appealing. 

As someone who hates vegetables and has never eaten cauliflower willingly, EVER, this was actually good. And really easy to make. 

Next step is to play around with cooking times to see if I can get it to crisp up more and use it as a kind of cracker for sliced tomato. 

Day 3 Update

Desperately missing the crunch factor. Carrot just doesn't hit the spot. I want a dry crunch like a chip or better yet a cracker with my tomato. *sigh* 

Investigating cauliflower pizza base. All ingredients are allowed. Figuring maybe I could roll out the dough thinner and bake it longer to make kind of crackers. If these work I will also make some salsa to dip into. 

Shakes are going ok. They are super sweet and the chocolate one is slightly grainy. But on the whole bearable. So far. I didn't get strawberry flavour as I don't really dig pink milk in general.  

I got a zoku for Christmas (icypole maker) and have discovered 1 shake = 4 icypoles. On hot days, these are a nice change from just drinking shakes. 

Have been offered some soups to try, so a savory twist might be good. Never thought the day would come that I'd be wanting savory over sweet. 

As expected, water intake is an issue and probably contributing to the constant dull headache I've had for 2 days. (Hi-5 on repeat from the kids isn't helping either). Diet cordial is DISGUSTING. I've never enjoyed the taste of artificial sweetener so it's no surprise. Going to try some fresh lemon and lime in water instead. 

I wasn't going to weigh myself, but, well I have. So far 3.4kg down. I'm certain part of that is the food hangover from Christmas Day and the rest is water. But still amazed its been so much. 

Also noticed that I smell weird. Kind of oniony. Not sure if its linked or just random. But something I noticed. 

Also realised that I need to start thinking about food for post op time. Would be good to have stuff in the freezer ready to go. 

Bugger about being done in summer is that I can't do hot soup on hot days (cold soup is wrong and disgusting) for the liquid stage. But positive, by next summer, most of the excess weight will be gone. 

And so it begins...

Day 1. Shake 1. Coffee. 

Decided to kick off with a coffee shake. Very sweet. Nice texture, some shakes I've had before have been a bit grainy, especially coffee ones. 

Would be delicious hot or even blended with ice. 

Yep, happy with the coffee shake. 

Why I'm being so honest.

I've been fat my entire life. The times I honestly haven't been fat, I was still convinced I was fat so they barely even count. 

I've exercised, tried eating less, had shakes and pills and lettuce, yet none of it was enough. Working with my surgeon, dietitian and psychologist I know for some people these things were never going to work. 

I believed if I was better, stronger, more disciplined, blah blah blah the weight would come of. Ya know, because that's what society tells you. You're fat because you're lazy and bad! And while I will 100% own lazy, I'm not bad or weak or undisciplined. 

But now I'm going to lose weight. A LOT of weight. All going well in excess of 60-70kg of weight. Thats like an entire person! Seriously its a lot of weight. Initially it's going to come off fast. Really fast. Up to 10kg a month in the early months won't be impossible. 

After 10kg, I might notice a difference. After 20kg, people who know me well might notice a difference. After 30kg I imagine people who vaguely know me might notice a difference. And people will say beautiful, honest things like 'you look great' or 'wow you've lost weight' or 'you're looking really happy' and then 'how have you done it?' and THIS is where the honestly must come in. 

From one fat person to another I cannot and will not support the fat shaming language and ideals of 'just eat less and move more'. I refuse to tell another obese person that my significant weight loss is because I've been 'good', just so they can think 'I've tried being good and it just doesn't work so I won't ask again and just feel shit that she is obviously better at being good than I am'. 

I will tell people that I have had surgery. I will talk about the good and bad of this choice. I will support people who wish to make the same choice for themselves. I will share that while the early loss was fast, those last few kilos I worked my arse off to shift. I will not perpetuate the lie that diet and exercise is enough for everyone. 

I will take the judgement from those in society who think I'm 'cheating' (while silently judging them for 'cheating' with their use of a car, or oven or email) if it means that I'm helping to give other obese people knowledge and choice. 

Almost ready.

Today I went and bought all the optislim shakes I will be needing for the coming 4 weeks. 

I sat in the car beforehand eating KFC. Ironic? Perhaps. 

I've spent the last few days eating whatever I want to. Bit like several last suppers. I know I'm going to be able to eat real food again, eventually, in much smaller amounts, but it's not going to be for a good 2-3 months at the very least. Some of it, I've really enjoyed, like the spring rolls and chicken satay from the local Thai takeaway. Other things not so much, like the KFC today. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Day. I'm going to eat coco pops for breakfast and graze on all kinds of goodies all day. I'm going to drink wine and soft drink and maybe even a few cocktails. Then come Boxing Day, it all begins. 

Nervous. Excited. Ready. 

Things that I can't WAIT to be able to do...

There are so many little things that I dont or cant do due to my weight. These are some of the things I'm really looking forward to being able to do as the weight falls off.

• Dance in my full height heels and not have to take pain killers for days afterwards.
• Get out of the shower and wrap a towel completely around me.
• Sit with my legs crossed like a lady.
• Swing with my kids at the park without wondering if my bum will fit in the swing or worse, if my bum will get back out of the swing.
• Go into a normal shop and buy clothes that are pretty and fashionable and not from the plus sized section.
• Be able to sit on Adam's knee without worrying about squashing him.
• Dance a Jive without fear of a heart attack on the dance floor.
• Ride a horse.
• See my collar bones. I'm sure there are some there somewhere.
• Run. I want to run. Maybe just around the park with the kids or maybe really run. Who's to say.

No doubt there are many more things that will surprise me as I lose the weight, but for now, these are the big things I cannot wait for.

Final Pre-Op Surgeon Appointment

On Tuesday 17th December 2013 I had my final pre-op appointment with my surgeon. We chatted briefly again about this surgery being a tool and not a magic solution. He again reiterated that it took time to gain the weight and it would take time to lose it, aka 'you are not going to walk out of the hospital a size 8' (apparently some people actually believe this.. what the?).

 

We discussed any questions I may have of him, apparently he wont do the surgery with a spinal rather than general. Its not that I'm scared of the general, I'm just insanely curious and think being awake during such surgery would be fascinating. But then I also found the process of both of my Cesarean sections fascinating too. He said he would make a quite note against my file that I'm crazy.

 

I signed all the paperwork, confirmed my final appointment with the dietitian and admin nurse and walked out ready to rock and roll.

 

On the final countdown now. Today I confirmed with my private health insurer that the procedure is covered, I contacted the anaesthetist to get a quote for his services (and almost had a heart attack over that) and completed all of the paperwork that I need to take with me to the dietitian meeting.

 

Perhaps I should be scared or nervous, but I'm nothing other than excited. For now. Ask me again a week into the pre-op diet and you might find me cranky and mean. But for now, I cant wait to get through Christmas, New Years, a girls weekend that's been in planning for years and some time with my babies.

The What, Where, How, Why, When of it all.

On Monday 20th January 2014 I am booked in to have a Sleeve Gastrectomy at a local hospital with a well regarded and highly experienced surgeon.

 

Basically, via keyhole surgery, the Dr will removed 2/3 of my stomach, leaving me with  a tube shaped stomach, kind of the size and shape of a medium banana. After a 6-8 week period of adjustment, I will be able to eat pretty much any foods but in much smaller portions. Obviously being able to eat much smaller amounts, means that I need to make better choices about what I choose to put into my body to achieve maximum nutrition. The surgery takes around an hour, and I will spend 2-3 days in hospital before going home to rest for up to 2 weeks.

 

This surgery is permanent. Many of my loved ones have asked why this and not the adjustable/removable gastric band. The answer is simple, I have had a lifelong battle with food. The changes I make need to be life long too. I also know several people personally who have had the band and experienced complications. While I know that nothing is complication free, after research, talking to people who have had the sleeve done and long discussion with my surgeon, I have decided that the sleeve is the best option for me personally.

 

My loved ones have been incredibly supportive of my decision, some surprisingly so. I will need their continued love and support on days when this all gets hard. I don't need people who are going to be critical or judgemental about the choices I have made. This is not cheating, or the easy way out, this is major surgery that is going to change my life. Not only am I working with my surgeon, but also a Dietitian and Psychologist as a part of this process. This is about mind and body. If any of my friends think this is easy or cheating, I'd really prefer that they kept this to themselves.

 

Around Christmas 2012 I made the decision that move forward with this and in January 2013 upgraded my Private Health Insurance to cover the surgery. I had my initial consultation with the surgeon in April 2013 and since then have undergone a sleep study, which ruled out sleep apnoea but did confirm that I'm a dirty rotten snorer. I have met with the Dietitian to talk through the pre-op diet stage and with the Psychologist to talk about the mind games that are going to be coming my way. Before my surgery date I will meet with the Surgeon to discuss the actual process of what will happen and the Dietitian to discuss the post-op reintroduction of food.

 

I am blogging this experience for myself more than anything else, to track my progress, word vomit my feelings and not flood my Facebook wall with updates. This is the beginning of the new life that I'm going to really live.

It Starts Now! Except it doesn't.

I am Super Obese.

There's Obese, and Morbidly Obese then Super Obese. I suspect the next step up from that is dead.

I have battled weight related issues for as long as I can remember. As a child, I was the fat kid. I never learned to swim because at the tender age of 5 or 6, I knew I was fat and was embarrassed to be seen in bathers. By Grade 6, I was wearing a ladies size 16 in clothing and while a bright and outgoing child, I was always self conscious about how I looked.

As a teenager, I've was incredibly thin and now I'm obese and have been everything in between. I'm not sure the reasons are as important to me right now as the 'what next' is. The answer to that is simple and complex...surgery.

For many years I have considered the surgery option but there was always a little voice in my head screaming 'how very dare you! You don't deserve to spend money like that on yourself. Just eat less and move more, dammit.' And I have listened to that voice, believing that I really don't deserve more. I would try eating less and moving more, and it would work, a little, but then it would all just creep back on plus a bit more as a buffer. I thought getting married would be motivation enough. It wasn't. I thought the struggle to fall pregnant would be enough. It wasn't. I thought finally being a mother and wanting to be and do more for my children would be enough. It wasn't.

For many people who chose to go down the surgery path, the catalyst for change is some kind of traumatic event. A health scare, or public humiliation. For me the catalyst for this huge change is filled with nothing but positivity.

Since becoming a mother I have been forced to reconsider who I am and what I want from life. This is not the life I imagined, but I know its the life I was always meant to lead. My life is nothing short of wonderful. I am married to an incredible man who loves me with all my flaws and I can assure you, my weight is the least of them. My children are happy and healthy. They are bright and empathetic. Challenging and hilarious. On the whole they are a joy. After a period in my late 20's of feeling like I didn't really fit anywhere, in my 30's I have found some of the most amazing women to share my time with. I have come to understand that I don't need one best friend, its unfair and unrealistic to expect that one single person is going to meet all of my social, emotional and creative needs. But the small villages of women I have in my world, nurture me in ways I never knew I needed. I have returned to a job I love and have the good fortune of being able to work part time, meaning I have time to do what I love as well as the opportunity to still be present in my children's schooling. I find time to volunteer for an association I believe in and will be forever grateful to for guiding my parenting path. My life is almost perfect.

What's not perfect is knowing that my weight holds me back from really living this amazing life to the maximum. But in realising the gifts I have in my life, I have been able to silence the voice who tells me I'm not worthy. I am worthy of time. I am worthy of making a financial investment in my health and future. I am worthy of being the best woman I can.

I am ready to really live!